What do you think of these poems?

Let Us Meet Again





We were bonded by cigarettes and insomnia;


two in a tray and one pile of ash.


Joined together in the foggy haze of a bar,


where we contemplated life.





And sometimes, my star, we shine so brightly upon that which we love, that we unwittingly cast





shadows upon everything else,


like our dreams, our dreams.





And the smoke clouds have to clear before we can breathe and the light has to dim before we can





see


where we are, where we're going. And along our midnight road, the circadian rhythms of a sleeping





world only act as a sieve to questions only clarified beyond the horizons of a tray.


And so we have to part ways.





And though it seems so far a distance to travel and the weight of an empty universe is heavy,


we have to tell ourselves that this too is only temporary; gravity, time, and matter-


and that perhaps the bright blaze of a dying ember had lived as long as a star.





And these smoldering cinders are but a small portion of who we really are.


Be Patient, my love, we've already traveled so far.

What do you think of these poems?
I like them, they are kind of sad though.
Reply:The first verse is pretty good, but you need to put the cigarettes after insomnia in the first line, since the line afterwards talks about the cigarettes.





Don't end the line after ash. Use a comma, since the next line is a continuation of the first line, with the second being only a metaphoric description. Also, don't use a comma after bar since it's part of the same statement the third line: "joined together in the smokey haze of a bar where we contemplated life." Smokey relates to the cigarettes so keep reinforcing the going.





You need a transition between your opening stanza and your next lines, since you move away from the setting of the bar. Say something like "Looking back now, my star, sometimes we shine...."





Since you bring up the idea of insomnia in the first verse, bring it up again after talking about casting shadows, something along the lines of "our closed eyes mimicing sleep, obscuring our dreams."





Since you change thought, it might be better to use "But" instead of "And", since you are changing the tone from one of despair to one of solution.





And it might be better reading if you state what needs to be done all together "Smoke clouds have to clear, lights have to go dark" and then state what will happen "before we can breathe, before we can see who we are,/where we are going."





Again, since you start off with a bar, don't use midnight as an adjective, keep it in line with the theme: make the road part of the metaphor "After closing, on the road home,the circadian rythms of the sleeping world act as as a sieve to questions only clarified beyond the horizons of a tray." I took out the first only, since you dont' want to repeat a word too closely, unless its for emphasis or some sort of lyrical repetition.





Again, don't use the word "And" again. Just state the thought directly "We part ways." Same thing with the next line. But rather than go through each and every line of the ending, I rewrote it, adding a direct metaphor to the one you used, in keeping with the theme of the poem.





Though it seems so far a distance to travel


and the weight of an empty universe is heavier than it seems,


we have to tell ourselves that this too is only temporary;


gravity, time, matter,


and that the last ember of a cigarette


falling into the tray


is perhaps the bright blaze of some long-lived star


and these smoldering cinders are but a portion


of who we really are...





For your second poem, again, you start off with a strong metaphoric theme, (car broken down, like the relationship) but you deviate away from it and that weakens the impact it should have on the reader. Wind your poem tightly around that idea, it's a good one, for whenever you go back to it, that's when the poem begins to emerge. The first 6 lines have almost nothing to do with your theme. You need to find a way to get to line 7 so that it maintains the idea.





If you want to run back to that moment, then being ablaze with the sun makes no thematic sense. Just 'travel' back to that spot, since running through the night implies traveling back through the past, the dark: Let's run through the night/til we're parked in a familiar spot.





In actuality, it might be better if you start off your poem with the lines 11-20 and delete lines 1-4. They unify the elements of the poem so that they flow more cohesively, more thoughtfully. Not only that, but when you begin the second stanza, you will already be back at the car you traveled back to, and your second stanza will be the 'road not taken' turn that gives the break between the two stanzas more emphasis, and make more sense. Your second stanza is perfect in its summation of theme, and I love the repetition of drives at the end. That repetition makes sense, since it metaphors the relationships, the churing of an engine, and the moving forward thematic of the poem.
Reply:even though i do not like long poems i enjoyed... let us mew again. as in the beginning and also in the end you kept the poem related. smoke and cigarettes in the beginning and dying ember and smoldering cinders at the end showing a lot of thought to this poem. also the constant use of things that are related to flames. seeing the relationship kindle into aches and hoping to meet again .....very romantic.
Reply:meh