Is this a good story so far. sorry its long I just want to see if its for a ten year old writing it.?

Dragon Magic














Chapter 1:


A Mysterious Find





“No!” A poor, skinny girl of 13 cried aloud. “Searia!” Her mother Aria said sternly. “You must collect granite as you always do to keep us alive! “Selling nice rocks and pebbles at least give us enough money for food!” “B-but…” Searia said weakly. “Every time I do it I’m always about to faint!” “I am always in front of blazing sun without any water until dusk!” “DO IT.” Aria gritted her teeth as she spoke. Searia walked weakly dreading what the future will hold if she kept collecting rocks from dawn till dusk.





“Finally! I’m at the rock crater!” Searia said, catching her breath. It had already been an hour since she had departed into the daily treacherous trip. She started to hop around collecting granite and quartz in a beaten up bucket when a tingle came to her mind. It tickled continuously, and she laughed gleefully.


She had collected approximately 50 granite and quartz and she started to sit down to calm herself down. Her eyes started to wonder around. Then her chocolate brown eyes led her to a neon pink rock. It was so smooth she thought someone had polished it and accidentally dropped it on the ground. “That’s very strange though…” Searia said curiously while examining the ovalish, smooth rock, but she took it home with her to the dirt hut as the beautiful, orange sunset landed on earth.


Searia knew she had to hide it from her mother, or the beautiful rock would get sold like a tree falling down smacked on the hard soil. She placed it gently in her secret hiding spot-the pit under her straw mat. Aria for some reason NEVER wanted to remove Searia’s mat from its ‘right full place’.


When supper was over Aria checked how well of a job Searia had done in collecting the important stones. “Wow!” “Wonderful job, Searia, Wonderful!” Aria said, encouraging her daughter. “Thank you mother.” Searia said awkwardly, not telling Aria of the neon pink stone.


Night had crept in while Searia wasn’t looking. She was surprised how time had flown like an eagle, and uttered a gasp. She also grew tired from watching the shimmering stars, they were hypnotizing her. So she decided to take a rest for the day. Aria was asleep so Searia could look at her stone without caution. When she looked at its brilliance she saw that it wiggled very quickly and then she felt the chilling tingle again. She raised an eyebrow and then laughed quietly “It must have been the wind she said, whispering.”


Searia woke with a jolt. She had a dream that she was riding a neon purple and pink dragon, then it said her name, Searia, but she didn’t know that her dream would be a vision.


Searia wandered clumsily outside, still sleepy and looked at her shadow. (Which told time.) She realized with a gasp that it was about two in the morning. She walked back to her room to go back to her smudgy, straw mat. Then she saw a broken egg, and a baby neon purple-pink dragon.













































































Chapter 2 :


Luna








Searia felt her eyes grow as big as dinner plates, and the hair on her neck stood on end. A wave of questions rose in her mind. Had the stone really been an egg all along? Was that the dragon in her vision? Was Searia the human the dragon wanted? How would she take care of it? Then the wave thundered down to one question. How would she hide it from her mother? Well, she would have to think of that later. This dragon was hungry. She hurried to a dirt floor of


what she called a kitchen, and grabbed about a pound of raw meat, and gave it to the dragon.


The one time she had seen a book, it was about dragons. She knew that dragons and dragon keepers or riders could communicate with their minds. The dragon snuggled up close to Searia and looked up at her with its deep blue eyes.


~Hello~ Searia said cautiously to the dragon. ~ Ello~ the dragon tried to say hello but failed since it was but a newborn. ~What…Is…Your…Name?~ Searia tried to say slowly. ~Lun-Luna!~ Luna replied in a light headed voice. ~That’s.. You’re.. Name?~ Searia tried saying a little faster. Luna nodded vigorously and squawked.


Searia made Luna practice her vocabulary constantly, since she was too shocked and disturbed to sleep until Luna could speak sentences to Searia fluently and clearly. ~Wonderful, Luna!~ Searia said encouraging the scaly body. The young dragon squawked happily and dozed off on Searia’s lap. Searia gently placed Luna on the straw mat to go outside and check time. She could see her shadow because luminous light of the full moon. It was about six AM. Searia had to get rest or it could be fatal when she goes to her daily stone trip in an hour.


*


Searia woke up with a start to see that Luna was licking her cheek. ~Finally, you’re awake!~ She said enthusiastically. ~It’s only been an hour since we fell asleep!~ Searia said drowsily scratching her sleepy head. Suddenly Searia heard footsteps. NO, it was Aria! Luna nibbled Searia’s legs playfully ~Lets play!~ ~No Luna you have to hide NOW!~ Searia said distressed. “Time to go for your rock excursion, Searia.” Aria said. The girl looked around for Luna but she was no where to be seen. She gave a relieved sigh “Ok” She said grumpily. Aria went downstairs. “Today’s breakfast is cabbage OK sweetie?” “Umm.. Ok”


Suddenly Luna appeared out of nowhere in the mucky dirt. ~What-how?~ Searia asked the sacred baby dragon ~Do you mean turning invisible? It’s easy! You just have to use your mind and think that you’re invisible!~ Luna said as if it were as easy pouring milk into a glass. ~Oh…~ Searia said, feeling rather pathetic.


After breakfast, Luna wanted to come with Searia to the crater. ~But you have to stay invisible until we’re out of my mother’s sight. OK?~ Luna seemed to sigh. ~Ok…~. On the way Luna kept asking questions. ~Are we there yet?~ ~When’s lunch?~ ~Lunch brunch, brunch lunch ha ha!~


~Luna please stop we’re here ok?~


The girl and the dragon collected rocks until noon. Searia had to sit down to rest. ~I’m so thirsty.~ Searia said dryly. ~Me to~ Luna replied, and started to dig a hole. ~Luna what are…?~ Searia stopped. There was water in the hole. ~Water!~ Luna squawked and slurped gently with her rough, pink tongue. Searia ran to the pool and cupped water in her hands and started to drink vigorously. ~I’m hungry.~ Luna said stalking a clumsy rabbit that fell into a pit. ~You can do that by your self?~ Searia was shocked ~yes~ Luna said triumphantly.


Then it happened to quickly. Searia heard it down the cliff where she and Aria lived. A tremendous roar. A blood curdling scream. The sound of crunching bones. ~WHERE’S MY DACLING?!?~. Said an enormous female dragon.
































Chapter 3 :


The Dragon’s Way





~WHERE IS MY DRACLING?!?~ The massive dragon repeated. ~Mother?~ Luna asked in a tiny voice. Searia was felt faint. She had never witnessed seeing a mother dragon scold her young daughter. ~You have been with this immortal?!?~ the female asked Luna. ~My dracling should not be with an immortal!!!~ Her massive head turned from Luna to Searia. The adult dragon stared at her in a dangerous way. ~She has defended me since I had hatched, and in return you kill her mother?~ Luna said protectively. The adult dragon was stone-silent. ~That was your mother?~ the big, scaly body asked her as if she were to beg for apology until Searia’s approval. ~Y-yes~ Searia said sadly, with tears in her eyes. Aria was gone. She had no family. She was now an orphan. ~No… I … I’m terribly sorry… For my mother was killed in a dragon fight. She died a slow death and I had to fend for myself… I could take care of you. It is the only thing I could do. In other words my name is Flaria.~ Searia could hardly believe her eyes. She would now be in a dragons care. ~OK…~ she said cautiously. ~My name is Searia~. ~That’s a nice name.~ Fraria replied.


It was about an hour of switching stories when Fraria realized what time it was. She seemed to gasp.


~ Luna, Searia we are late.~ Flaria said, depressed. Searia was about to say late for what when chattering rose in her mind again. ~hop on my back I will fly to the tallest mountain.~ Searia was terribly confused and cautiously got on the massive body. Luna had no need to since she had wings but got on anyway. Suddenly wind was splashing on her face they were FLYING. Searia was amazed of the beautiful view and also terrified since she was afraid of heights.


It was night when they had reached the tallest mountain. Flaria told Searia that that was the only place they could not be bothered by mere humans. The snow filled peak was full of dragons every shape and size, even different color. “Wow” she said aloud. All the dragon heads turned. ~ A HUMAN!!!~ One of them cried aloud. All the dragons started a huge conversation over to flame her or not. ~SCILENCE!!!~ Flaria roared. ~I had accidentally killed her mother, I offered to take care of her and she said yes. Searia will from now on learn the ways of a dragon. She is no threat.~ Luna nibbled Searia’s finger’s ~Lets play, they will go hunting now to bring food for us.~ Luna jumped around, ready for a dragon wrestle, But Searia was really tired from fatigue, she missed her mother. ~I’m sorry, Luna but not now, I’m really tired.~ Searia said wearily. ~OK~ Luna said and imitated the other young dragons playfully.


Searia told Luna to tell Fraria that she would be asleep in her cavern. After about fifteen minutes she found it, she clumsily wandered about to find the softest place to sleep.


Tomorrow she would learn the way of dragons. But first she would need sleep from that shocking and awkward day.






















































































Chapter 4:


The Transformation





Searia awoke in the cozy cave, with all the dragons around her. ~It is time~ Flaria with a tinge of eagerness ~ For you to learn the ways of a dragon, but first comes the transformation.~. ~What? Searia said. Secretly afraid. ~You’ll see~ The mighty dragon said.

Is this a good story so far. sorry its long I just want to see if its for a ten year old writing it.?
Its good, it might be better though....just skimmed. Too much to read.
Reply:wow i've written alot of stories but non of as good as that. I think you should write another one. keep writing maybe I'll see one in a store
Reply:Keep up the good work!
Reply:Yeah, I think it's pretty good. But one thing I'm not sure if you know is that if you're writing dialogue, each time a person says something, a line has to be skipped. Also, you don't need to put " after every single sentence a person says, only until after they are done speaking. For example, in chapter 1, you wrote: “No!” A poor, skinny girl of 13 cried aloud. “Searia!” Her mother Aria said sternly. “You must collect granite as you always do to keep us alive! “Selling nice rocks and pebbles at least give us enough money for food!” “B-but…” Searia said weakly. “Every time I do it I’m always about to faint!” “I am always in front of blazing sun without any water until dusk!” “DO IT.” Aria gritted her teeth as she spoke. Searia walked weakly dreading what the future will hold if she kept collecting rocks from dawn till dusk.





I would advise you to rewrite it as this:


"No!" A poor, skinny, 13-year-old girl cried aloud.


"Searia!" Her mother, Aria, said sternly, "you must collect granite as you always do to keep us alive. Selling nice rocks and pebbles gives us some money to buy food and other necessities we need in order to survive."


"B...but..." Searia said weakly, "every time I do it, I'm always about to faint! I am always out in the blazing sun without any water from dawn until dusk!"


"Just do it!" Aria gritted her teeth as she spoke. She was getting tired of her daughter's complaints.


Seria walked away weakly wondering what the future will hold if she kept collecting pebbles and rocks from dusk until noon.





I also say you should give some more background information on the characters in chapter 1, and more physical description. Otherwise, I think it's pretty good. Keep writing! =)


(If you want, I'm always here to give you feedback!)
Reply:For a ten-year-old? (It's funny that I never understand why some people love The Lord of the Rings and most others like Harry Potter.)





I say if not to use any short form in the text, it may look more like it.
Reply:are you not worried that some scum will plagiarize your work?


You need to find a site online that will let you place your work for peer critiques and also at the same time copyright it.


Deviantart.com does it for poems--look for a site like them!