Here are a few small poems of mine, please comment?

what do you think of them?





Black Moon





A blackened moon once was a relic


shon down a gleaming charm on silver lined sky


her years of glory, eclipsing, rotating, waiting


though shortening, shattering, soon to die.











Hypnotized





Fixated by charm


mesmerized within


pretty azure eyes


you got me dreamin’











Play me





Like a instrument


My heart pounds out a rhythm,


Pluck on my heartstrings


And ill play you a song,


Damage my heart


You’ve already won,


No more pain can I feel


As the pain is undone,


No more will I open


My heart for another,


Mistakes I’ve learnt to accept


My feelings for you,


I will never forget.











The Moon





Luminous moon


Enlighten the night


Twinkling stars


Glowing with light


Behind is the sun


Keeping it bright


Shining in darkness


It blazes alight.

Here are a few small poems of mine, please comment?
These are all pretty good! I like them.
Reply:i like the poems you have on the website. is it just your stuff, or can i get on there to? Report It

Reply:Let me preface this by stating that I am not a writer nor a literary academic, so my opinions are to be taken with a grain of salt.





Black Moon: "shon down a gleaming charm on silver lined sky" - I wouldn't use both 'shone' and 'gleaming' in the same line. Your poems are concise and therefore every word should be necessary. These two kind of make each other redundant.





Hypnotized: again, the second line kind of feels like filler.





Play Me: I think it would help the rhythm if you condensed the last two lines to one line with a similar meter to the previous line.





The Moon: I like this one as it is. I particularly like the astronomical truth of "Behind is the sun; Keeping it bright".
Reply:I disagree. Not all are as good. The Black Moon is too marvelous compared to the other three. This is a poem full of various dramatic shades and tones that capture the figurative fate of the moon. It reminds me of classical poetry chanted during Ancient Times to Diana and Artemis.





Hypnotized has a different flavor altogether. It has a structure and style that parallels a haiku. However, it has a very cliched and anti-climactic ending. Maybe you could work on that. Play me is not as good. But I do think it can be reworked to become a good bard song. As for the last one, I think it is simply too literal - it gives nothing but what you read on the surface. Not something a poem should be.





1 out of 4. Don't worry, the brilliant first poem eclipsed the shortcomings of the other three. What this shows is that you do have the flexibility to write with different styles. But I dare say, stick to the first one. It's the best I've read from you so far.





"With the rising curtains,


I hear the silence --


of roaring thunder


and broken darkness..."