Can you please discuss my poem and critique it again?

As I Lay





Lying in the grass at night


So comforting


The stars are blazing


It was like a theatre


Fierce silver stars


With a blue backdrop


Misty clouds move slowly


Against the blue sky


Leaves move calmly


As I gaze at the beautiful scenery


The gentle breeze across my face comforts me


As I lay

Can you please discuss my poem and critique it again?
Your poem starts out "at night" then continues with stars and then shifts into a blue backdrop- skies at night are black, you don't see clouds at night. Sorry if this sounds critical but you are asking us to critique it. Keep trying though.
Reply:9/10 very vivid and comforting.
Reply:Pretty picture. What is the is the point of the poem other than comfort and calm? A deeper meaning can be accomplished by giving a scenario that needs to be relieved by the poem so far. It could stand as it is but it leaves much unsaid.


The rhythm is precarious at best. Stars are fierce for what reason? How is it LIKE a theater [maybe as?]? The poem is not bad, just needs tweaking. Try again.
Reply:Seems like a beginners poem. Lots of obvious imagery and atmosphere. Try to use shakespeare languages, it makes things more fun.
Reply:My suggestion, after you go over all your critiques reveiws. That is what a good poet does. go over your poem again. You have passion, use it! feel it! be a part of it! I have faith that the next time you write this it will be one of your best, Use your passion!!!!!!! Hope to Read Your Book someday
Reply:Hello,





There are some words and lines you should consider cutting or rewriting to strengthen this:





L2: “So comforting”: Consider cutting this. It tells the reader something rather than allowing them to experience comfort. Perhaps replace this with something about the feeling of the grass, or another aspect of the night that you would find comforting (i.e., describe the texture and feel of the grass perhaps) let the reader infer from that the comfort you are expressing.





L3: “are blazing”: “Consider dropping the gerund “-ing” and make it more immediate for the reader (i.e., The stars blaze).





L4: “It was”: (You may find it more useful to stay in the present tense and keep the scene more active for your reader). Consider cutting It was and allow the simile to play between the lines.





L5: I agree with Ronnie here, fierce seems like the wrong adjective here. Something else that shows intensity or brightness perhaps. I like silver stars because of the Hollywood connection—it’s a nice subtle play on the idea.





L6: Would it be “blue” at night?





L7: This line is a bit problematic for me. Could you see the clouds at night? Misty isn’t that exciting of a cloud descriptor if you could see them. Also, “move slowly” gets a little weighed down by the adverb and move isn’t that evocative (type drift or float into an online thesaurus and look for different options).





L8: Assuming the sky is blue you don’t need to have this line at all. You already described the color of the sky in L6 (blue backdrop—even if you change the color in L6 this line will still be unnecessary for that reason).





L9: Again with the “move”, consider going to an online thesaurus and typing in something like rustle. It is unlikely you would see the movement of leaves at night but you would likely hear them. In any even “move calmly” should be cut.





L10: Cut the line. Again telling rather than showing let the reader be pulled into the mood. Don’t explain the moment to them.





L11: Consider cutting “comfort me” the mood will carry without the explanation of what the breeze is doing.





I hope this critique will be helpful to you. If it isn’t please ignore it. I wish you well on your future revisions.
Reply:Frankly, this is 4th grade level English. Well, except that part where you called the stars fierce. What a strange adjective. You have a gentle scene that's comforting to you ... and the stars are fierce. Huh?
Reply:AS I Lay........... is beautiful......... what actually comforts u ....u know.......... but why were u uncomfortable...... why was life without comfort..... try to put that thing in this poem..... rest your words are o.k...... u dont measure a poem with time scheme..... stars were fierce and they soothed you, there isn't any wrong thing in it.... just add the part which i mentioned.... it will add to it's beauty........ it is beautiful but should be extended.......
Reply:My main comment is about the change from deep night to blue sky. You can do this if you introduce it as a different day or time and set it off. If the last line is the central meaning...then the central meaning needs work.
Reply:hey this a great start man





the one thing I would suggest is using less obvious metaphors. like substitue "againt the blue sky" for "against atmoshpere." make it more like your line "fierce silver stars," that's a good line.





nice work
Reply:You're doing great by writing about things we can see and feel.


Again, I suggest punctuation.


Just a couple of verb tense issues. . .


"The stars are blazing


It was like . . ."


Go through and select either present or past tense with your verbs.


Good luck with the school, and thanks for posting your poems.

Loosing eyelid crease.