PLease tell me what you think of my sad story!?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... is a short story I wrote, parents should not be around why'll you read it, due to the fact it has cuse words, like fu**. I hope you like it-Gen ps, tell me what you think please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...












































Mary Seah, had beautiful long curly ,thick hair, which she would oddly always put in a ponytail due to the fact her Dad hated her hair. Mary, also was abused. This is Mary Seah’s sad story.








I scudded to the table, another terrible dinner with my parents and four siblings. Two of my siblings where girls and two where boys. I was the oldest, and oddly, I was the one who had to do everything and was abused otherwise. My two girl sisters where Debbie, and Joenia, Debbie was 7 and Joenia was 9, those spoiled bastards, they where always groomed by my stupid mother, Leslie. I some day would teach them discipline, and respect for older people, like my Grandma. Poor, poor, Grandma. Debbie and Joenia would make fun of her, call her names, made faces, did all the **** that made me angry with them. Debbie and Joenia learned it from there mother, they would giggle at me while Leslie slapped or hurt me in anyway, those bastards! My brothers were my angels, they would make me feel better after a beating. They where Nick, and Sam. Nick would let me fall into his arms and he would cradle me, he would play piano for me, he made beautiful music, and he wanted to become a “star“ when he grew up. Sam would mostly ignore me most of the time and go smoke pot at his friends house, which was good because, he was out of my way. After he would go smoke he would come home and be “loopy” and hug and pat my head, that poor sport. Sam was 13 and Nick was 11, ah, Nick he was so kind for his age! I sat down on the stiff blue chair I always did, and looked at all the faces staring at me. Nick was beautiful, blonde short hair, skinny, tan, and was so strong! Sam, oh please! Due to the fact he was smoking pot, looked like a dust mope with his long black hair in a weird ponytail, skinny and weak, so poor looking in his tattered and gross smelling cloths, yuck! Debbie and Joeina giggled at me, they were also so beautiful, unlike me., or at least what dad said anyway. Debbie had to much makeup on and had a pink mini skirt, white earring’s, and a hello kitty shirt, lucky. Joeina had the most expensive outfit black tee, big fluffy white jacket, $100.00 jeans, and gold earings, she was always so pricy. The last people where my stupid par-par-parents! Leslie so ugly from getting that face lift and boob job, brown fluffy hair, and had a blue and white dress with slippers on, and Jack(Dad), oh please! He had shorts and a dirty, muddy, white shirt on! Its dinner! He was so ugly to, I don’t know how my brothers or sisters got beauty! My parents looked at me rudely, I must have slammed my fists on the table, or made a sound, I didn’t know. “Well where’s our dawn dinner, I’m starving, Mary”, my mom yelled. “I’ll get it,” I said. “ It better be good Mary!”, said Sam. “ If its not you know the plan, you slut”, said my sisters abruptly. They looked at me then at each other. “You two are right”, my mom smirked. I grabbed the hot tray with the hot pad out of the blazing oven barley burning myself, and placed the yummy warm turkey, mash potatoes, and carrots on the table. “Thank you Mary, now go in the bathroom and stay why’ll we try this delicious smelling food, and you better have cooked it perrrrrrrfffeeecccttt!”, smirked my mom. “um-k-okay.”, I ran to the bathroom and prepared myself, oh, no I forgot the gravy, I forgot it, I just remembered! I cried, I knew that was going to make it hurt even more. About an hour later the door creaked, and I closed my eyes. My mom said,” You *****! I ask for one, ONE thing, dinner! And what do I get?! Answer me! “ I-I dont know.”, I said confused. “ You ******!” She slapped me, then said, “Good night, have a great ****** Thanksgiving, without gravy!” She kicked me and went out

PLease tell me what you think of my sad story!?
OK. Well...I can't tell if it's any good, because the narrative jumps about so much I can barely keep my head from spinning.





You've tried to cram so much in in so short a time that the reader is left utterly confused as to who is who, what is going on, what the time-frame is and who the central character is supposed to be. Instead of lurching about from character to character so much, why not take a little time to introduce the protagonist (central character) to the reader? Talk about who she is and how she came to be where she is instead of running straight into a list of her family's physical attributes and what they're wearing.





Also you mean 'were' not 'where' pretty much all the way through. That was very distracting.





Hope that helps! :)
Reply:keep up the good work ..I think your story is great and it touch me so !! Report It

Reply:You are too sensitive in approach. My sincere suggestion is to be open in life and see how marvellous change in life has occured due to digital revolution all over the world.
Reply:frankly speaking. its not that sad.


because its too direct.


u noe wat i mean?


too create the sad mood, u should sometime use some bombastic words n described some situation in detail.


alot of practise would help.


neway,...nice try!


x)